I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
