A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
