i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
