Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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