He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
