dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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