I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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