Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
