Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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