Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
