I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
