If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
