life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
