my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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