I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
