Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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