i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
