You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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