oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hippo gnu deer
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
