the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize