Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize