What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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