Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just google imaged poop.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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