Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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