he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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