I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
