I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
