I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
