Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
