He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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