And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
