someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Randomize
