So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ttyl tear gas
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
