Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
