the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
