I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
okay pat passed out under dana's car
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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