OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
