If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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