jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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