who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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