I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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