Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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