Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
