I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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