I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize