you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
