Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
