3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
