when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
