i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
