mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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