someone threw a dead crab at me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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