Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
