i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
