So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize