Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
